I am really enjoying my singleness these days, one might say maybe even a little too much hahah.
It all started at the end of last year around October…..I went to a church event that was very instrumental in the healing I didn’t know I needed. The pastor told us to split into groups of 3 or 4 and told us to talk about all the things we think we have put on a pedestal or made an idol. At that moment I realized, I had idolized marriage for a LONG time. Can you blame me though? As a Nigerian woman, you are bombarded with weddings/marriages almost on a weekly basis. It's so shocking when I talk to my Canadian friends who have either never been to a wedding before or only just recently started going to weddings when their friends started getting married.
Growing up in Nigeria, I remember being a flower girl, jr. bridesmaid at cousins’ weddings, and then attending my fair share of family weddings as an adult and the overwhelming message was that marriage is the GOAL. The strong display of love was always so beautiful and I was always obsessed with love but I have to admit, it was for all the wrong reasons. I loved the idea of being in love, the idea of having a boyfriend, a husband, a partner to “post” on Instagram, to laugh at all my jokes, to plan travel with (I have sooo many baecation ideas in my mind). I never once asked myself why? Why do you want to be in a relationship? Why do you want to get married? And I suspect if I did, the answer would be because I was told to value it above all else and that it was ultimately the next step. You go to school, you leave home, you get a great job, you meet a great guy, get married, buy a house, and have kids. It was just the natural order of things.
I would say sometime in 2018, I was “on the hunt” for this forever guy……however in retrospect, I really didn’t want to be in a relationship. My words were saying one thing but my actions were saying the exact opposite. I remember telling anyone that would listen that I wanted a husband, however, I refused to go on dates…in my defense, the dating scene is enough to put anyone off. I remember one day sharing my “goals” for the year with my roommate Kari and I had listed 11 goals and none of them were “get in a relationship”. She was the first person to call me out on my BS because up until that point I had been telling people I was looking for one. She made me see that it was simply NOT a priority and that was ok. In retrospect, I think because I would have been 26 at the time, I thought that was a good age to get into a relationship if I wanted to be married by 28 (my ideal marriage age). Side note, any woman that tells you they don’t have a timeline or age for dating and marriage is somewhat lying to you because society DRILLS into us the idea of a never-ending body clock that keeps ticking and waits for no one. Nevertheless, it wasn’t a priority but I felt like it should be one so I forced myself to be out there and I went on some less than perfect dates.
2019 was more of the same and 2020 was a BIG turning point because that was the year all my “stuff” came bubbling to the top in the height of the pandemic. I’ve talked about it extensively on the blog but 2020 was a year of pruning. God revealed to me areas that needed to be healed, including my daddy issues, dealing with issues of worthiness & confidence, dealing with strained relationships, jealously/ envy of other people’s lives, and finally facing, forgiving, and letting go of my ex and our less than perfect on-again, off-again relationship. I truly went through it and came out on the other side thinking that 2021 was going to be my year of LOVE. Lo and behold, 2021 started with me meeting a great guy that seemingly had all the qualities God wanted for me and that I wanted for myself but that ended up fizzily out as quickly as it started….the end of that relationship opened the flood gates to disappointment after disappointment after disappointment and eventually my heart became SICK, weary and filled with despair. I had lost ALL faith that a relationship was in the cards for me, I lost all faith in finding “my person” in fact I thought the whole idea was a sick game designed to make single people feel like SH*****T. I remember a season where I listened to podcasts and read books about faith because I was so filled with apathy and this went on for MANY months. It wasn’t until Oct 2021 in that faithful service where I let the idol of marriage go that I felt relief, freedom, and healing for the first time in years when it comes to this area of relationships.
So you might be wondering where am I now in April 2022? (or you might not LOL, you might not even care but I’m going to share anyway). The truth is, I'm in a weird spot now…..As much as I let this idol go and have started living my best most content, single and secure life, God has told me that he has someone for me. At first, I thought it was just remnants of my old way of thinking so I brushed it aside, but it was confirmed by 3 separate people that didn’t even know where I was mentally regarding relationships. A part of me is like “but God, I'm finally happy and content with where I'm at why would you bring someone in here that could possibly mess with my dynamic”. Another part of me understands that this might be the perfect time in my life since I have actively dismantled all my pre-conceived notions about dating, relationships, and marriage and am simply able to follow the will of God. Yet another part of me is like “dating is the ghetto and I don’t really feel like trying to incorporate another person into my routine and life” and the last part of me is like “ok God, you've shown me this vision, I don’t want to be out of your will, what is the next step except you haven’t really given me a “next step”. (Actually that’s a lie, God told me to read the book “31 prayers for my future husband” a book I bought almost 2 years ago, oh and to write this blog post).
So here I am trying to be obedient…..trying to read/pray a chapter a day and finishing this blog post that has been in my drafts for months.
Nevertheless, I have no idea what this year holds for me romantically but at the moment, I'm happy, content, single, and in alignment with the will of God, and until that changes, I will continue to live my BEST single life.
Till next time,
Ibiyemi