What have women learned about love?

I feel that as women, we have been given a raw deal when it comes to love. 

Let me explain.....from when we are little girls, we are primed with these messages about love that are less than ideal.

Disney teaches us, your prince charming, your knight in shining armour, is going to come and save you from your “doomed” or less than perfect state. First of all, this implies that women need to be saved by a man or else they will be stuck in a “castle” or a prison of someone else’s making….and this is 90% of those movies. Can we just take that in; We are literally priming a victim mindset in young girls and telling them that their “beauty” is what will save them from their dungeons. Think of Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Cinderella, Tangled, hell, even Shrek has the same narrative. 

Romantic Comedies in the 90s taught us about “grand gestures”, meet-cutes, the geek girl that gets the guy, the clumsy girl that doesn’t know how beautiful she is until a man validates it. Early 2000s romantic comedies tell us that love is aloof, chill and elusive….can you remember those movies like “friends with benefits”, “no strings attached” that basically told us, don’t require commitment from a man, just go with the flow of it all, it will work it self out or you might end up in an endless situationship, it doesn’t really matter….the new age romantic comedies are full of weird ideas about sex, sexuality, coupling, settling down etc. 

The church tells us that single women ought to get married to fulfil their God given purpose. It’s almost like if you don’t have a man, then you can’t fully reach your spiritual potential. You spend your 20s and some of your 30s praying for your future husbands, reading books, going to conferences, healing your inner child, going to therapy, and saving yourself for marriage so that God will bless you fruitfully. I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with this model because it does help to raise up strong wives...... but wow, it also teaches us to idolize marriage. I don’t know how many of my girlfriends have had to work through a season where they idolized marriage, love, and relationships and had to repent for it (myself included).

The woke/feminist movement told us that as “independent women” we don’t need men because we can do and be, everything in our lives…..matter fact, do we really need God? If we can just eat enough greens, go to the gym enough times, have the aesthetic apartment, go on all the trips, have the the close girlfriends and become the “main character” at all times then maybe we can even play “god” in our own lives because we know what’s best for us. Except it leaves us as exhausted, somewhat uptight, control freaks still obsessed with the male gaze but pretending to be “empowered”. 

Social media tells us, its all about image and “couple goals”. Aesthetically pleasing matching outfits, baecations, grand insta-worthy proposals, and clever captions like “I said yes to forever and a day”. It tells us to either put our love on display 24/7 for the world to idolize/pick apart or to hide it ENTIRELY. No soft launching until you’re basically engaged, married, or for some until after the 2nd kid, because you know “monitoring spirits” haha. It gives you unrealistic expectations of what relationships should look like and doesn’t always paint of picture of what it should feel like; unless you stumble on to “relationship therapy” instagram where everyone and their mama is giving you advice on the 12 questions you should ask your spouse/boyfriend for a deeper connection or you’re doomed for life. (Side note, have I really used the word “doomed” twice when talking about women and love? 😅).

The truth is…..it’s tricky to be single but what I’m also realizing since I’ve recently gotten into a healthy relationship is that, relationships are also tricky. Even if you are in a healthy relationship, you are still coming up against sooooo many messages from external sources as well as the ones you have internalized from childhood. You are also confronted with YOURSELF in a healthy relationship, which is good, but also hard. What happens when you’re nervous system is finally calm in a romantic relationship for the first time in your adult life? For one, you thank GOD for his intentionality, but that also means you’re now in an adult relationship, and that requires something. What happens when your typical pattern of being in situationship after situationship, where you're trying to convince a man to take you seriously and commit to you intentionally, no longer applies? What do you do with all the “free time”? (Some of you may know what I’m talking about because you’re in a healthy relationship). What happens when you’re love life is no longer a toxic, confusing, dumpster fire you have to navigate? Well, I think it means you have to grow up and apply wisdom, and fortunately, that is what I am learning in this season. 

This blog has always been about navigating adulthood, documenting the growth journey, and calling out the scams of it while using my vulnerability as an example, and I’m so grateful for it. Sometimes, I read back on old blogs, and I can see where my mindset shifted and where my thought processes were being influenced. Although I may not always get it right, I aim to continue to grow, and thankfully, God has given me the courage to share the journey openly without shame. 

So why do I say all this? Well, because the girlies are growing up, getting into healthy relationships, getting married, having kids, getting divorced, navigating finances, building businesses, and I just feel like we need a space to talk about it. A space for open, honest, vulnerable conversations, and if I have to be the change I want to see in the world, then I have to stop playing small. 

Holy Spirit, give me wisdom and discernment to navigate this next season of the blog/of my life. Give me the boldness and courage to speak and guide me into all righteousness. Keep me grounded, stable, and surrendered to you at all times. Use me as a vessel, as a channel to glorify you in all that I do….in Jesus name, Amen.

Till next time, 

Your ever-growing, ever-evolving blogger

Ibiyemi