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Long time no love update_Let's talk hopes, fears & attachment styles



Where do I begin…..maybe I’ll start with what triggered me to write this post and start thinking about love again. I randomly started reading the book “Attached” last week and WOW I’ve never felt so seen and dragged at the same time. I had put it on hold at the library a while back and promptly forgotten because they said the book would be available in 8 weeks or something ridiculous. Anyhow I got a message that the book was available and decided to read it; I knew it wouldn’t be “light” reading but nothing prepared me for the freedom and clarity I would receive just even in the last couple of days. Of course, it's just a book and not the “GOSPEL” but I believe God led me to this book for a reason. If you know nothing about this book welcome, let me break it down.


The book is all about attachment styles in romantic relationships. It speculates based on many years of research that there are 3-4 types of attachment styles - Anxious, Avoidant, Secure, and the rare Anxious Avoidant. It’s no surprise that when I took the test, I have an anxious attachment style….duh! Lol, I’ve written lots of blogs about just anxiety in general so it makes sense. However, where the “freedom” comes from is knowing that my experience in relationships is not unique to me and my weird tendencies…somehow I always found ways to internalize my “relationship failures” as failures of me as a human being rather than just a failure to align with someone who shared my understanding of intimacy and closeness. AKA, I’ve always exclusively dated emotionally unavailable and avoidant men except from my last relationship but that’s not what we are talking about.


So yea, I want to do things differently, I actually NEED to do things differently. According to the book, anxiously attached people have a harder time breaking away from bad relationships as well as getting over those relationships once they do eventually get the courage to break up. When you add that to someone like myself who is generous with love, and overly trusting it essentially becomes a recipe for disaster. I basically told God after my last breakup that I CANNOT handle another gut-wrenching breakup. It takes me sooo long to recover. I’m not even talking about recovering from the person but from all the ways I feel about myself and what I want. I tell myself that I want a relationship, but I feel like cannot handle a relationship, so maybe I’m better off alone. I sometimes go as far as telling myself “Well my life is full, maybe I don’t want a relationship” but I’m never able to voice my true feelings.


My true feelings are that I have felt embarrassed at times that I actually want intimacy and a loving relationship. I feel like society puts so much pressure on women when it comes to love. It's like if you admit that you want a relationship and marriage then you are desperate and thirsty….but on the flip side if you say you don’t want it then you’re “too independent” and strong-willed. If you somehow have to courage to admit that you don’t know how to have a healthy relationship then there MUST be something wrong with you…. Like maybe you need to heal, or fix up, or deal with your daddy issues then maybe you would be “worthy” of a relationship. DONT even get me started on the Christian community and their thoughts on marriage. Somehow the most stressful community to be in as a 31-year-old single black female is the church 😂😂😂 and I say this with the UTMOST respect and LOVE for my church community. It's really really really really hard to take love advice that’s generalized unless you know individual contexts….between the “Have you tried meeting people at church” to the “When I met my husband he did X, Y, and Z… I'm sorry but yall met in high school or in uni, it's not the SAME….dating and relationships in your 30s in 2023 is SOOOO complicated. People have so much stuff they are carrying plus post-pandemic dating? Woosh #extremesport. It’s lonely and filled with mistrust, hurt, excitement, insecurity, jealousy, euphoria, confusion, fear, burnout, and everything in between on BOTH sides of the equation. The reality is that I need God in this process, it’s as simple as that. It is not something that just “happens” especially when you’re not expecting it 😂😂.


A friend of mine shared a perspective that I appreciate. She is married with 2 kids and typically shares motherhood content on Instagram so I asked her about marriage content. She simply said although she doesn’t like the idea of sharing marriage content because it can sometimes come off as condescending or lofty she said she views marriage from a place of God’s mercy. When she was single she prayed a prayer of surrender that went something like this “ God I clearly don’t know what I’m doing, and I know I desire marriage. I’ve prayed for my desires to be in alignment with your will for my life. So God if it’s your will that I get married then Lord send the man. The best man, I have no notes, just send him. In whatever form you want to send him in(raw, finished etc.), and when you do please let it be clear to me that you sent him.”


I looove this prayer and this perspective however my only “note” would be “Lord, I need someone that is at least self-aware”. We ALL have stuff, life in 2023 is hard, my only ask is that you as a man know what your stuff is and that you are open to communicating it so that we know how to move. If there is an elephant on your head that makes you dance around in circles, fill me in so I know whether I’m joining the dance, or if I can’t bear another elephant dance 😂😂😂 (by far the weirdest analogy i’ve ever written on this blog) but hopefully, you catch my drift.


This is NOT at all how I saw this blog going, I thought I was going to spend my time breaking down attachment styles and how to identify yours and what the research says, etc. but the holy spirit lead me down a different path; a path to be more honest about my current situation. PLEASE go read the book though, I’ve learneeeed so much about myself and the way I show up in relationships.


So this is me; a 31-year-old Christian black female declaring once and for all, that I do in fact desire marriage, even though most times the thought of dating & relationships scare me. I would love to have a partner to share my life with forever. I desire someone loving, caring, self-aware, and “securely attached” because I don’t have the capacity for another avoidant partner. I’m praying that he comes into my life soon but honestly, I know that God’s timing as “cliche” as it sounds is the best time.


There you have it, my update on love; Side note, friends and loving family, I am actually open to "set ups" - online dating can be a little hard at times.


Till next time


Ibiyemi




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