I believe this season is called Daily Bread….and unfortunately, I'm gluten-free lol

I believe this season is called Daily Bread….

It’s the in-between; you’re not where you used to be, but you’re also not where you want to be, and the present reality is uncomfortable. 

5 months ago, I moved back to Nigeria permanently from Canada. I packed up my apartment for the last time, donated about 15-20 bags of clothes, shoes, bags, etc. Closed about 60% of my bank accounts, gave up my apartment lease, and left the city I had been living in for 17 years to return home. 

And for the first time in like 3 years, I finally feel stable. 

If you’ve been following my story, in 2023, my life changed dramatically…..I experienced burnout so severely that I had to go on medical leave, quit my job, and return to Nigeria to recuperate. This marked the beginning of a two-year period of alternating between Canada and Nigeria, until I decided last summer that the back-and-forth was no longer sustainable. 

So here I am back in my parents' house, at the ripe age of 33, about to turn 34 in 2 weeks, wondering, “Where did all the time go?” There’s so much that I still want: the husband, the kids, the home, the thriving business, but it honestly feels so far. What’s wild is, I’m not even this girl….I have ALWAYS been the girl who has looked forward to her birthday and never panicked about what it meant, not even at 30, when historically all the girlies start to panic. I’ve always been pretty optimistic about life, getting older, falling in love, having kids, etc., but these days, between going through a heart-wrenching breakup last year, moving back home, and taking a major hit in my finances, I wouldn’t say I'm pessimistic, but my views have been slightly altered. 

That’s why I think this season is Daily Bread…..I get what I need from God on a day-to-day basis. Sometimes that looks like emotional comfort, other times that looks like encouragement. In some cases, that looks like reminders. 

Reminders that last year I was having severe panic attacks back to back for weeks, AND one faithful day in Oct during the Hallelujah challenge, it just stopped. 

Reminders that last year I was struggling to pay my rent (something I had never experienced before), and this year I have a roof over my head that is stable. 

Reminders that a few months ago I was stuck in the snow waiting for the bus, and now I have a car and live in 30-degree weather all year round.

Reminders that I was once working a job that was actively hurting my physical and mental health so much that I was in and out of hospitals, taking medication for PCOS, depression, and anxiety just to get through the day. 

That’s why I said, I’m in-between…. On one had I know that my life is truly beautiful. Being home has healed so many parts of me, and I am finally in a place of true stability. I have a church community of people who know my name and actively pray for me. I have a beauty routine for my nails, hair, eyebrows, etc. I have proximity to my immediate family, with all my nieces and nephews, and a truly day-to-day relationship with them. I have a few favourite cafes and restaurants, and I have friends I can see often without having to schedule weeks in advance. I’m living a “normal” life….and on the other hand, I have unhealed wounds from past friendships, emotional bruises from being gut-punched in the romantic department, scars from experiences I never allowed myself to process because I was in survival mode. It’s almost like, because I am finally stable, all these things started bubbling to the top. It’s almost like I’ve seen too much, and I know too much, and hope feels hard. Not in a sad “woe-is-me” kind of way, but in a “this is your reality” way. 

Like, I’m really supposed to open up my heart AGAIN and love somebody’s son? As how? Or I’m really supposed to forgive all the times I’ve had to eat sh*t in friendships? Or I’m really supposed to go again and invest in my business after losing so much last year? 

These are the big questions that I need God’s daily bread for…. Some days I'm like it's ok, Ibiyemi, life happened, you’re healing, the hurt will eventually subside, and other days I’m like WOW this is really my life, this pain sucks and feels unbearable, and the fear of the future is so LOUD that I just want to escape. 

The truth is, God has been so faithful. He has provided what I like to call just-in-time testimonies. When I'm about to crash out about something, He will send a new friend or a YouTube video, or a bible chapter that just covers that VERY thing that was bothering me. I mean, the holy spirit has used all sorts of things to comfort me, to convict me, to help me in the moment, and I’m honestly so grateful. You know that scripture that says “ He uses the foolish things to confound the wise”? That’s where I’ve been living. The most recent thing happened during Karaoke night last weekend. We had been there for almost 2 hours, singing at the top of our lungs because it was early 2000s karaoke night, and for whatever reason, I decided to pull out my phone and prop it up to record one song, and in the middle of it, I got convicted. It was a Kanye West song from 2009, if you can imagine, and the lyrics were “sometimes love comes around, and it knocks you down, just get back up when it knocks you down, knocks you down.” And it was in that moment that I realized woooow I have to get back up. Not just with love, but with friendship and with healing and with moving forward. 

Sometimes when you finally get to a stable place, your life comes to collect…. Are you going to pay attention? Or are you going to just ignore it? 

Based on where I am with my journey with God, I am going to address it, but I don’t think I want to address it in my own strength or in an aggressive way. In the past, the way I’ve approached healing was by trying to heal in the most efficient way. By now, I would have researched books, booked weekly sessions with my therapist, gone through some inner-healing program at church, and journaled about it relentlessly. None of these things are bad, but I think in this season I need to just rely on the healing power of God that is taking me by the hand and walking me through the process of healing. Lowkey, from a retired control freak like me, it feels hard to surrender to God’s process, but at the same time, it feels super freeing. Freeing to know that this season of healing is not by my power or by my might but by His spirit….and the spirit has been spiriting lol. 

So here I am, reporting live from “the middle” with the understanding that it's one day at a time for the foreseeable future. 

Till next time, 

Ibiyemi