It's my last day in Mexico on this trip that turned out to be my first solo trip! All I can say is that God has been faithful! Having this level of rest, reflection, fun, and learning about myself has been phenomenal. I never thought I could have a meal alone in a restaurant and now I know I can. I genuinely enjoy my own company and the things that make me who I am. I like meeting new people, I like having random conversations, I like dancing, I love singing, I love God, and I am been healed by God every day. In case you're wondering is it that DEEP?, allow me to provide you with some context.
The last couple of months, have been ROUGH and the 2 weeks leading up to the trip were wild; I was supposed to be on the trip with someone else BUTTT at last it didn’t work out and I was faced with 2 choices, cancel or go on the trip solo (something I almost vowed, I would NEVA do). Not because of anything but because I just looooove people; so in my mind, the more the merrier….” why would I pay so much money just to go alone” was always my philosophy when I can explore and adventure with people that I love. Anyways I knew that it would cost ALOT to go BUT I also knew mentally I was in a BAAAD place and I needed a “break”. I was dealing with alot of feelings of rejection, loneliness, abandonment, overwork, burnout etc. The last thing I wanted to do was go on vacation by myself when I was already feeling soooo lonely. I didn’t want to see happy couples, beautiful families and happy people when I was in such a fragile place in terms of my relationships. Nevertheless, I spoke to my close girls and my therapist and they all encouraged me to go and use this trip as a point of reflection and solitude. Nothing could have prepared me for how this trip went! I went in thinking ok, so it's going to be ALOT of emotional reflection, seating alone by the beach, and praying time and although there was that it was also a lot of being in the present moment and going with the flow.
Here are some of the things that contributed to my solo trip experience in Mexico:
GOD in my finances - God is soooo good; I saw his hand on EVERYTHING regarding this trip; remember I was supposed to go with someone? Well going alone meant I had to book a “last min” resort; it just so happened that my tax refund was exactly the amount I needed to sustain this trip! I also didn’t cheap out, I went on excursions, went shopping, gave out tips etc. My finances have been a HUGE bone of contention for me this year; but GOD! It’s not even about the dollars and cents but about the anxiety behind “spending so much money” and I’m grateful that I didn’t have any anxiety about the money because God is my provider
GOD in my healing - At the beginning of the year, my word for the year was “REST” lol. If you know anything about me, you know that I really don’t know how to do it. I struggle with overworking and overextending myself physically and mentally but what I got out of this trip was true REST. Although I was very “active” for anyone that watched my IG stories there were many days spent napping and chilling. I am NOT naive to the fact that its easier to rest on vacation when you don’t have to cook or clean or do anything BUT I really think I got a revelation about rest. Its not about doing nothing, its about trusting God. I was so worried about being alone, and being nervous about how I would feel so there was a part of me that just wanted to “fill my days” and meet all the people and do all the things but instead there were a lot of intentional moments spent with me and God. I was able to quiet my own voice and truly hear from him and see him in everything. For example, I saw God in my eating - I've talked about it before but I've struggled with food addiction and overeating for a very long time; to my surprise, I didn’t feel the pressure to “overeat” when I was completely alone and I could if I wanted to. It wasn’t until a few days in that I realized that even surrounded by so much “temptation” I was fine and I can actually trust that my healing over the last 2ish years is actually real. I don’t need to be “so afraid” of food, I just need to put up healthy boundaries to navigate it.
GOD in my emotions - like I mentioned earlier, coming into this trip, I was an emotional/ anxious wreck; I’m not saying that 6 days in paradise now means I'm completely emotionally stable hahaha I wish BUT I am saying, I don’t need to be soooo afraid. One of my biggest fears is “dying alone” lol aka not being connected to my relationships, feeling rejected, misunderstood, abandoned, and being single forever. I realized that one of the reasons i’m such an encourager and that I “show up” for the people in my life is because I don’t want to be “forgotten”....what that was doing to me, is that I was “forgetting myself, putting myself last so to speak. Making sure I was the best employee, best boss, roommate, sister, friend, daughter, Christian etc, and completely neglecting me and my needs. I learned that I can do things myself, spend time with myself, and that most importantly God will never leave me. I really hope that I don’t forget THIS lesson; God will always be with me and that is enough…..don’t get me wrong, I still love my friends, family, and future bae (wherever he may be) but I don’t need to be scared of being by myself.
GOD in my career - I didn’t expect to learn anything about my career while on vacation (I went to escape my job & business duh) but I did. While in Mexico, I started reading the book “More than Enough” by Elaine Welteroth the former editor-in-chief of Teen Vogue (the first black person in that role btw). I didn’t realize she was a woman of faith until I read her book. What connected with me besides the fact that she is a GREAT storyteller was the level of faith she had in her career. I resonated with her HEAVILY regarding growing up in her career and people clapping for her externally and feeling just overworked and underpaid for a myriad of reasons. Her struggle with being a FOD (First, Only, Different) and navigating a space that was not created for her and being soooo young. She was only 25 when she got this job and the way she even got it was so unorthodox and mentally taxing and it wasn’t quite right for about a year I don’t want to tell you the spoilers, so go and buy the book!). That’s how I feel; without giving too many details away because I am still employed 😅and would like to stay employed at my current company for as long as God will have me, I feel the SAME way. This last career transition into management has been WILD and uncomfortable and not because I am the youngest manager on my team or the only black woman in leadership or even that my resources are ……(let's just say, I have to be very “Creative” to make things work) it's NOT all that. It’s the dissonance of being an “engaged” employee but not a satisfied employee. Did you know you can love your job, the work that you do, the people that you work with, and the impact that you make but also lowkey hate it because it requires TOO much of you? I don’t have the answers but reading Elaine’s story allows me to have hope that God is in the story. If he can do it for Elaine, he can do it for me as well. He is working it all for my good and honestly, he is going to get all the glory because I have no idea how to “fix it” LOL. In regard to my business, there have been some unconventional things God has been asking me to do and I’m just in my obedience phase, I have no idea how it's going to manifest so when it does, I will keep you posted.
Honestly, the trip was AMAZING, God showed up, and there were SOOOOO many tears LOL but in the most random moments. I remember crying on the bus on the way to see the hidden caves (cenotes) because Bob’s Marley’s “is this love” was playing and I just kept thinking of God’s love. Cried on the beach doing morning stretches because the instructor told us to hug ourselves/inner child and tell her that “it wasn’t her fault, she learned, she grew and she is proud of you”. Cried on the drive to the catamaran/boat party while reading the book because I felt so seen and heard. Cried a bunch in my room alone listening to worship music. So many other moments, hell crying as I write this blog on the balcony as I wait for my airport shuttle. God is in the details, he is in the grand moments, he is in my past, and present, and is working everything together for my future. I just feel so grateful and blessed.
That’s it; I’m done…..if you've never taken a solo trip and are nervous about it, go and go with God, let him be your guide. I think I see many solo trips in my future.
Ok now I’m done, going to grab another mango margarita before I head out!
Till next time,
Ibiyemi
Comments